Petrified

I've fought for so long and so hard, but do I really even want this anymore?

Maybe I would be happier alone? I don't want to ever be hurt again the way I have been so maybe I should just run?

I'm freaking out.

rah

oh my god, you will never understand just how much emotion i have for you. the way you consume me. all of me. there is not a part of myself that does not love you. i would go to the ends of the earth for you. i hate you. i love you. i hate you for hurting me. i hope you do really love me. i'm too scared to believe you. i'm frightened as all hell that i am about to be broken. this is the biggest risk i have ever taken and i have taken many risks in my life for love. strangely enough i feel like this is what i was born to do. i don't know what to say anymore. i'm scared to let myself even feel the emotions i really have for you. moments spent daydreaming about dachshunds and scottish folds are a luxury. a luxury i rarely let myself have. i hope i can learn to trust you again and believe in you. i am not needy but i do need to trust. take your time now but please know at some point i need you to build it up back again. i hope that's ok. possible. god i sound meek, pathetic. fuck it better be ok cause otherwise i am a damm fool for loving you. don't make a fool of me, just know what you have and be determined to take a risk and make it work. jump off the ledge and risk it all baby. it's not worth it if you don't. and if you fly it's the best damm feeling in the whole world. you don't get the feeling without the risk.

For Conrad

I don't have the answers you're looking for
I'm not the question that you seek to find
I can't watch you cry
I never see you sing
Your pain envelops me and takes my heart with it.

I don't know to fix this other than to love you more.

i drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door
i've had you so many times but somehow i want more

she will be loved. maroon five

Some days I still can't do this anymore. I can't be the person everyone else needs me to be. I can't be the person I need me to be. I'm hurt and scared and completely petrified. All I do is let people down. I need too much and I want too much.

I never learnt to grow up and do things on my own. I'm trying to learn but I fear I keep going backwards.

I'm over it. There is no point really.

I've been writing here sporadically for a few years now and it's quite surreal because I still have no idea how on earth to give this blog purpose. It's a writers failure for a variety of reasons.

So for now it's sleepytime. If you stumble across me please visit enrapture where i've started with what i plagarise best - pictures and songs, hopefully in the near future it will become more of a catalog of clothes, lifestyle, fashion, sinful food and life as i experience it. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

hope to see you there xx

I have been through way too much in my life to compromise any part of who I am for anyone.

I need to be strong to deal with my own head. Nobody is allowed to even want to take that away from me.

At the end of the day we only have ourselves and we have to live and be happy with the decisions we make.

My world is so cold without you here but yet all the heartbreak and hurt scares me beyond belief.

I am broken and i am never going to be fixed. My heart breaks and I only ever have myself to blame. I am a mess. A broken fucked up pathetic mess. I want it to all go away. I can't deal with the pain anymore. I just want to die alone and be miserable alone until that point. I don't deserve any fucking happiness cause all i do is take it away from others. My parents don't fight unless I am there and now I'm making other people fight that have literally nothing to do with me. Don't want it to be like this. Want to be alone. Want to be free. Drama free. Have enough shit in my head to deal with let alone anyone elses.
MAKE IT FUCKING GO AWAY.